Admit it: you rarely think of fate when things go your way, yet you are quick to blame destiny when you’re faced with a path that diverges from your expectations. Having a healthy relationship with your destiny is paramount to achieving inner peace - this is where the Latin concept of Amor Fati comes in. Keep reading to find out how adopting this philosophical view of your fate will help you feel happier and more content about the (unpredictable) trajectory of your existence.

What is the origin & meaning of Amor Fati? Is it connected to Stoicism?

While the phrase itself was coined by Friedrich Nietzsche, the philosophical concept is much older and can be traced back to the teachings of the Stoics. Translated directly from Latin, Amor Fati means “to love one’s fate”. 

Don’t worry if you’re a little confused about how to do that, since the great German philosopher has left us with a little recipe:

“My formula for what is great in mankind is Amor Fati: not to wish for anything other than that which is; whether behind, ahead, or for all eternity. Not just to put up with the inevitable (...) but to love it.” -- Friedrich Nietzsche

(For more historical context, check out this video.)

Nietzsche emphasizes the character-building aspect of this philosophical stance, and while that certainly supports making it a part of your practice, the Stoics provide a more compelling reason as to why you should strive to embrace your destiny: it will bring you peace. 

In the words of Epictetus: 

“Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happens the way it happens: then you will be happy.”  -- Epictetus

(Before you dismiss this as too challenging, remember that Epictetus was born a slave, so if he can find it in his heart to love his destiny, then so can you!) 

So…

Don’t just tolerate, but LOVE what happens.

Even the unfortunate things. It’s easy to be grateful when you’re on a winning streak, but do you have what it takes to face adversity with open arms, and even welcome it? 

Think of it in this way: the obstacles you face are just opportunities to prove what you’re made of. And from this perspective, you have no choice but to love them, since they reveal you to yourself. 

This is why… 

Amor Fati and self-awareness are two sides of the same coin.

Just as you can’t be your best, strongest self, unless you accept who you are, you can’t live your best life until you allow destiny to take you where it may. 

To practice Amor Fati means not to deny what is, but also what has been. If past experiences have shaped who you are today, destiny (the future that lies ahead) has all the ingredients for who you will become. To fight it is to oppose your highest potential. 

If you find it difficult to accept that events of yesteryear have left an imprint on you, and accepting fate seems even more daunting, try this: treat your own personality as a statement of a fact, for it is neither a compliment, nor an insult. 

Persist in this belief as time goes by and your character develops, but remember:

Amor Fati is NOT a fancy phrase you can use to justify a defeatist attitude.

Let’s get this straight: complaining is useless, and there is a time and a place for the acceptance of the unchangeable facts of life. But people sometimes use Stoic detachment to justify why they don’t take action, even when they desperately need to. (Procrastinators preparing to let yourselves down easy when “inevitable” failure strikes, I’m looking at you!)

Not everything is within your control, but make sure not to ignore the things that are. You’d be surprised how many people refuse to believe that they can influence their lives for the better!

But SO, didn’t you just say that we should welcome destiny with open arms and love everything that happens? Doesn’t taking responsibility contradict this?

It doesn’t. And here’s why: Amor Fati should inspire you to seize the moment, since this is the only thing at your disposal. 

If it hasn’t happened already, one day you will wake up and realize that what is going on right now is actually your life and that everything is happening because of you, not TO you or despite you. You’ll know that your duty is to make the best of it, because that’s all there is and that someday it will be taken from you, whether you chose to play the main character or not. 

As Confucius puts it - 

“Every man has two lives, and the second starts when he realizes he has just one.”  -- Confucius

Total ownership of yourself is the only sane way to live, so take responsibility for how your existence turns out, but love the outcome regardless if it’s the one you expected. 

And now, to jump start your practice of Amor Fati, consider one more thing:

To love your fate means to adopt an opportunistic mindset. 

When you hear “opportunism”, you might think of someone sleazy, who takes advantage of others or exploits some flaw in the system for personal gain. Let’s address this first. 

Indeed, to behave opportunistically means to take advantage of something. But the rest of that moral judgment is not implicit. You’ve added it yourself because you’ve only paid attention to people exploiting the present moment when they’ve done so at your expense. That’s normal, and it has a simple explanation: it left an emotional trace on you. 

But consider this situation: you’ve left the office a little later than usual, so you missed the bus. Since the next one isn’t arriving for another hour, you decide to do your groceries at the store nearby rather than go to the neighborhood supermarket after you get home. This is a prime example of opportunistic behavior, and there’s absolutely nothing negative about it. 

What is the state of things after you’ve eventually gotten home? Not much worse than if you had caught the bus. You may have even accidentally discovered a better way to structure your week. So we’ve established that being an opportunist doesn’t necessarily prevent you from being virtuous in the Stoic sense of the word. (If you’re still struggling with the wording, think of it as being resourceful, which is definitely a positive quality, or read this excellent post!)

Now let’s have a closer look at the underlying assumptions behind this mindset. 

Whenever an opportunity arises and you decide to act on it, 2 things are true: 

• you stop trying to impose your will on the Universe, because you decide to abandon the road you were intent on walking to branch off to another direction, and

• you implicitly accept to work with reality, as chance can only spring from the current state of events (what IS rather than what you want the situation to be)

If you think about it, these points describe the only rational way to live, since all others depend on what could be. Whenever you refuse to work with the fabric of reality and lament that things didn’t go as planned, you take a shortcut to nowhere, since those events can no longer be changed. Of course, to use whatever is in front of you to reach your goals requires maturity and strength of character, but it’s what makes the difference between being effective and being just a dreamer. 

Amor Fati is the only philosophical stance in which all outcomes are successful, or - as Jonas Salzgeber gracefully says -

“We don’t always get it our way. (...) Unless we choose that whatever way it is, is our way.” -- Jonas Salzgeber

OK, Stoic Optimizer, I’m gonna give this ‘love thy fate’ thing a try. Where do I start?

Here are 3 things you can do today to teach yourself to love your fate and become unbreakable.

Just as it takes a couple of daily reps to strengthen your muscles, Amor Fati requires a bit of practice before it becomes second nature. As you go through the proposed exercises, remember that even seasoned Stoics struggle with it sometimes, so don’t be discouraged if you can’t find the opportunity in every obstacle - there will be no shortage of setbacks in life for you to train yourself on, both small and large.

Reflect on the ways in which those in more dire circumstances than you have managed to embrace their destiny.

I know that sometimes it feels like the ground is shifting under your feet and I’m not trying to discredit whatever you’re going through. But objectively speaking, if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you are living in one of the most peaceful times in history, and that science and technology have made your life easier in ways inconceivable just a generation ago. Certainly, things could be better, but they could also be MUCH worse. There is certainly some silver lining hiding in the adversity you are confronted with. 

To better appreciate this, I recommend picking up Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” or Edith Eger’s “The Choice” if you haven’t read them yet. Both of them are written by survivors of the Holocaust and are poignant accounts of how the human spirit can prevail in the most horrific situations. Accept them as your mentors in all matters ‘Amor Fati’ and they will convince you that misfortune cannot stand in the way of an exemplary character.

Complain less. 

It’s impossible to love something that you consistently begrudge. When you complain, you emphasize the negative aspects of a situation so much that you can no longer distinguish anything positive that it might have brought about. To get laser focused on the opportunities behind the obstacles, interrupt any resentful thoughts. 

As a first step, resolve not to complain to others - when you catch yourself doing it, change the subject immediately. (Explain to the person why you’re shifting gears - they might adopt your Stoic attitude and you’ll also hear less complaints from them in the future. Win-win!)

As soon as you’ve mastered this, make a point of not complaining to yourself either. If you must, give yourself a fixed time (say… 5 minutes) to brood on it before moving on to more constructive thoughts.

Always focus on the present and on finding solutions.

Whenever something happens, good or bad, strive not to attach a moral judgment to it. Take it as a fact - this has happened - rather than a blessing or a curse. Maybe you won’t manage to do it perfectly (like the man in the Story of the Chinese Farmer), but you will dampen your emotions enough to remain level-headed and figure out the best way forward. At the end of the day, practicing Amor Fati is just an elaborate way of saying that you happily pursue the optimum of every undertaking. And nobody can deny the benefit of that.

This post is part of a series about Stoic concepts. If you want to learn more about the main tenets of the philosophy, you might want to read the one about premeditatio malorum next.